My Fight With Guilt

Yesterday, my long time friend - Jeremy Mixon - died.

Little background:

Jeremy and I have known each other for about 7 years. We met when he was 14 and I was 15, and we shared an apartment when we both moved out of our parents houses. We've been the best of friends. We've gone through a lot together - girlfriends, jobs, family issues, our apartment getting broken into, marriage, etc. He's been an important part of my life over the last decade.

When I got married (a little less than a year ago) we started to drift a little, mainly because I was now married and he was still leading the "crazy" single life.

Jeremy had Meningitis, which is a bacterial infection in your blood stream that can cause seizures. His sister, Amanda (and also one of my ex-girlfriends), found him in his bedroom on August 11 having a seizure. They told me the first seizure he had lasted almost an hour, causing serious damage to his brain. It knocked him into a coma, and he had seizures on and off.

The doctors said he had about a 5% chance of survival. There wasn't anything else they could do. His mother, knowing his intentions, respected Jeremy's wishes - he never wanted to be a vegetable. So, yesterday morning, she decided to take Jeremy off the life support.

I talked to her the day before she did it. I tried not to be too forceful, but I did express my opinion - I think life should always be given the chance. I don't think I fought for him enough.

However, in trying to remain tactful, I do feel obligated to honor the decision that was made.

I felt guilty for not being able to influence situations that were unfolding right before my eyes. I felt helpless for not being able to extend my hand to help Jeremy. I felt guilty.

After a few corresponding letters to Rev. Ken+ of the AJC, I have been helped back to my path. I realize now...the guilt is pointless. My range of influence has limits, and I can only extend my aide to those that now need it - his family. This is the role I need to be in right now - not feeling guilty about situations that I cannot help.

I love Jeremy, and he knew it. He was a brother to me without ever having been a brother. I will miss his company, his jokes, and his goofball approach to life. It's time to let my own selfish guilt go, and help those in the present - the ones who are still within my sphere of influence.